Hearing the word “cancer” can be frightening for anyone, but for children, it can be especially confusing and scary. They may pick up on subtle changes in the household or overhear worried conversations, leaving them with unanswered questions and anxieties. If you or someone close to your child has been diagnosed with cancer, it’s important to have an honest conversation with them. While it can be a difficult conversation, avoiding it can lead to more fear and misunderstanding.
This article will guide you through how to approach this conversation with your child. We’ll explore how to tailor your explanation to children of different ages and the understanding of your children, address common concerns children might have, and provide tips for creating a safe space for open communication. Remember, honesty and reassurance are key. By being upfront with your child and addressing their anxieties, you can help them cope with the situation in a healthy way.
Should You Share A Cancer Diagnosis
Children are incredibly perceptive. Even if you try to shield them from the news of a loved one’s cancer diagnosis, they’ll likely pick up on subtle changes in the household. This can lead to confusion, fear, and a sense of something being wrong. Withholding the truth can make them imagine scenarios far worse than reality, fuelling anxiety and making it harder for them to cope.
Open communication is key. By being honest and age-appropriate with the information you share, you empower your children. They’ll understand what’s happening and why things might be different for a while. This knowledge allows them to ask questions, express their feelings, and feel more in control. It also builds trust – they see you treating them with respect by including them in the situation.
Sharing the news creates space for family support. When children know what’s going on, they can participate in offering love and encouragement to the ill loved one. This can be incredibly healing for everyone involved, fostering a sense of togetherness and resilience during a challenging time.
Breaking the news of a cancer diagnosis in a family member is never going to be an easy conversation and as much as it may almost seem better to ‘protect’ them by keeping it from them, that is never a good idea. Children are smart and they understand a lot more than they are usually given credit for, even young children of 2, 3, or 4 can be given simple explanations to help them understand the changes they will be witnessing. A cancer diagnosis affects the whole family and if the person with cancer is the child you are talking to or lives in the same house as the child, then there will be changes to the daily routine as well as noticeable side effects that may seem scary if the young person doesn’t understand what is happening.
When To Share A Cancer Diagnosis
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to when to tell a child about a cancer diagnosis. Some factors to consider include the child’s age and maturity level. Younger children may struggle with complex medical terms, while older children and teenagers can grasp more details and may even have questions about prognosis. It’s also important to be honest with yourself about how much information you have. If you’re still in the early stages of diagnosis and treatment plans are unclear, waiting a few days to gather more details might be helpful.
However, there are strong arguments for openness and honesty. Children are often perceptive and may pick up on changes in family dynamics or overheard conversations. Keeping them in the dark can fuel anxiety and make them feel isolated. Ideally, you want to be the one to tell them the news, not a well-meaning neighbour or a tearful friend. This allows you to control the information and tailor it to their understanding.
Ultimately, the best time to talk to your child depends on your specific situation. Listen to your gut instinct and consider seeking guidance from your doctor, a therapist specialising in child psychology or even a social worker or the support team from one of the many cancer charities. They can offer support and help you navigate this sensitive conversation.
For us, we shared the news with our children within the first 24 hours. We felt we needed to because family life had changed in an instant. All of a sudden the Dinosaur was in the hospital with cannulas in, medicines being given, blood transfusions happening, Doctors and Nurses coming and going and Mummy and Daddy were quite clearly worried and upset so he knew something was wrong. We couldn’t keep it from him even though he was only 4 years old at the time.
As for the Unicorn, her entire family had suddenly moved to the hospital and she’d been ‘dumped’ at her grandparent’s house. She could also see that they were worried and upset and were being unnaturally positive and shifty when she asked questions.
Telling A Child They Have Cancer
How you tell a child that they have cancer will very much depend on their age. It is my belief that children of all ages should be told if they have cancer and there are ways to manage this difficult conversation using simple language that they can understand. The Dinosaur was 4 when he was diagnosed with leukaemia. We explained it to him that his body and his blood are made up of lots of different blocks. We told him that his blood was poorly and there were some naughty blocks in his blood that weren’t doing what they were meant to. We said that the doctors and nurses needed to give him lots of special medicine to get rid of the naughty blood and that sometimes they would give him extra blood to help his good blood fight the naughty blood. We did use the word cancer with him and we did tell him that he had leukaemia although most of the time we referred to it as cancer because that is easier to say and is more universally understood. To start with, we used quite basic information and as he grew older and he developed a better understanding, we gave more detailed answers to his questions.
When I told the Unicorn that her brother had cancer, I gave a lot more detailed information to her as her understanding was much greater. I used accurate names for things such as the name of the cancer, the treatment process that would be followed, the medications that would be given and the physical changes she would see in him such as hair loss or weight changes. I made sure that I didn’t lie to her or promise that he would be ok because I couldn’t give that kind of guarantee. I was very careful not to give her false hope or to give her false information, if I didn’t know the answer to something she was asking me, I was honest and told her I didn’t know. I also assured her that I would try and find out the answers to all her questions if I didn’t know them. That first conversation with her was one of the hardest I have ever had in my life, I felt like in that instant I was robbing her of her childhood and her innocence by exposing her to the harsh realities of cancer but ultimately I needed to have that conversation with her. Keeping her in the dark would have been detrimental to her mental health not to mention it would have been impossible to keep it from her.
Ultimately, how and when you tell a child that they have cancer is going to be one of the most difficult situations you are likely to face. You and you alone are the best judge of how to tackle it.
How To Have That Initial Conversation
The most important thing is to acknowledge your own feelings, you are likely to be scared, worried, and unsure and that is ok. All your feelings are valid and you shouldn’t try to shield children from that, they need support to understand and recognise their emotions and also how to deal with their emotions. They learn this by watching their parents so sharing your feelings with them gives you a good chance to demonstrate how to handle strong feelings.
A good starting point for this tough conversation is to ask what they already know and understand about what is happening. By finding out what they already know, you can start to work out what to say next. It’s important to give them the correct information and not try to tell them everything will be ok. As hard as it is, children need that honesty and telling them the person they love will be ok when you don’t know that for certain could be extremely damaging, especially if it later turns out that the cancer is terminal. I know it’s not nice to talk about death or potential death with children but children cope much better with bad news when they understand what they are being told.
Should You Tell School Staff?
If you have school-age children then you absolutely need to inform the school staff. Notifying the school when a child’s relative is diagnosed with cancer can be a valuable step in supporting the child during a difficult time. Staff members can become more attuned to the child’s emotional well-being. With this knowledge, the child’s teachers and counsellors can be more understanding of changes in behaviour, such as fatigue, anxiety, or difficulty concentrating. This allows them to offer extra support or simply be a listening ear. Informing the school also helps to avoid confusion or rumours among classmates. By working together with the family, the school can create a sensitive and supportive environment where the child feels comfortable and able to focus on their education. The school will also need to provide practical support by notifying you if your child is in contact with something like chicken pox or measles which can be fatal to a person receiving cancer treatment.
Schools can play a crucial role in supporting children when a family member has cancer. Here are some ways they can help:
- Creating a Safe Space: Teachers and counselors can be a source of comfort and stability by creating a safe space for children to express their emotions. This might involve setting up a designated area where children can talk or draw about their feelings, or simply offering a listening ear during breaks.
- Understanding and Flexibility: Being aware of the situation can help teachers understand changes in a child’s behavior. They can offer flexibility with deadlines or workload if the child needs extra time to manage their emotions or attend appointments.
- Age-Appropriate Support: Schools can organize age-appropriate activities or discussions about cancer. This can involve inviting guest speakers from cancer support organizations, reading children’s books about illness, or creating art projects that allow children to express their feelings.
- Maintaining Routine: School can be a source of normalcy and routine during a disruptive time. Maintaining familiar schedules and expectations can provide a sense of comfort for children facing a family member’s illness.
- Supporting the Family: Schools can also offer support to the family as a whole. This might involve connecting them with relevant resources, providing information about support groups, or simply offering kind words and understanding.
When the Dinosaur was diagnosed with leukaemia, we notified the school as soon as possible. He was diagnosed on a Friday night so on the following Monday morning, Daddy Dino took the Unicorn to school and let them know the news. They immediately took steps to support her as she came to terms with the news. A few months later when we knew he would also be attending the same school, we had meetings with our nurse and key members of the school staff to let them know how best to care for and support him as well.
Useful Resources
There are many resources available to help you have that conversation about a cancer diagnosis with a child in a way they can understand. Consider utilising books specifically geared towards children. These books often use creative metaphors and age-appropriate language to explain what cancer is and how treatments work. Look for titles with bright illustrations and positive storylines that emphasise hope and healing. Some great resources include “The Secret C.” for younger children and “Kemo Shark” – a downloadable comic book – for older kids.
Websites from reputable organisations like Cancer Research UK, Grace Kelly Childhood Cancer Trust, and Macmillan offer valuable information for parents. These sites provide guidance on how to tailor the conversation to your child’s age and developmental stage. They also address common concerns children may have and suggest strategies for coping with emotions like fear and sadness.
Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone. Many hospitals and cancer treatment centers offer support groups or individual counseling specifically designed for children facing a loved one’s illness. These resources can provide a safe space for your child to connect with others experiencing similar situations and express their feelings openly.
When we were sharing the news of the Dinosaur’s cancer diagnosis with family, friends, and school, we found these resources particularly useful.
Children’s book about losing hair – Anna Loses Her Hair
Children’s book about having a friend with cancer – I Have A Friend Who Has Cancer
A children’s story to explain leukaemia – Joe has leukaemia
Children’s book about having a port – My Port
Another children’s book about having a port – I Need A Port
A children’s book about having a nasogastric (NG) tube – NG Tubes For Kids
A children’s story about tube feeding – The Abilities in Me
Information about using the toilet and toilet issues – Going To The Toilet
Children’s Cancer & Leukaemia Group information for teachers – Supporting your Pupil
Young Lives vs Cancer pack for teachers – My Student Has Cancer and accompanying videos
Cancer Research UK information about ALL Together-1
Cancer Research UK information on Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia.
